I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
