I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
