I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
