I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
