Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Randomize
