Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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