ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
