Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
