I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
