6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
