I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
