You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
