i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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