I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
