happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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