I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
