i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
