Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
