My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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