shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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