Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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