Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize