I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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