And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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