I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
