You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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