I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
