Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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