Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
