I have demons in me.
My hand turned me down
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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