why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize