she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
