i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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