someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
