Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
