His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
