proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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