If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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