plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
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