I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
