why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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