wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
