I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize