I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
