Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
