he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
