Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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