I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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