I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
