Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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