Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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