this beer tastes like vomit already
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
