I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
