I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
